My Father: The Blogger

During a conversation on Sunday, my uncle mentioned he enjoyed reading my posts.  My response to him was, "It's a forum or medium for anyone with something to say.  If you can bullshit, you can blog."  That made me realize my father would have been the world's greatest blogger.  He was the King of Bullshit.

Dad took bullshitting to a new level. To him, it was artform. He was the Michelangelo of gab. Anyone who had ever spent time with him or speaking on the phone, knows it was never an abbreviated task.  He took his time, savored his words and relished in the laughter of his jokes.  He was often jealous of my ability to speak Spanish because it means I can bullshit in two languages.

His name was Kevin Barnes, but everyone called him "KB."  He needn't waste time with pleasantries and proper names when conversation was to be had.  He wanted to delve into the matter of the day, whether it be what he had for breakfast or his latest money-making scheme.  The phone calls waited to begin at 8am every morning in order to be polite to his audience.  He may have been up earlier but would allow them to sleep in.  He had several "regulars" with whom he spoke daily.  Mike, Brett, Pete and Ellen were the muses for his creations.  Other friends and family members sprinkled sporadically throughout generally rounded out the week.  He wore a headset while talking otherwise it took up too much time to accomplish anything else.  I have many memories of him in pajamas with the phone attached to his hip, headset on and making breakfast for my brother and I.

I wish we could've put some of his stories into written form.  His delusions of grandeur could capture any audience.  My friends always remind me about his most infamous stories like where he claimed to be a hashish tester for the Israeli Mossad.  This makes absolutely no sense but he made you believe it with his conviction.  Whether fact, fiction, political or satire, dad would have enthralled his readers.  He would've been an amazing blogger with the ability to format anything into an entertaining piece.  KB could've hunted and pecked the keyboard to spin literary gold.

I have tears streaming from my face as I write this, blurred texts from the welling in my eyes.  I would give anything to have one more inane conversation about what he plans to have for lunch, his newest hair-brained attempt at a fast buck or to hear that knee-slapping laugh.  But instead, I will sit sobbing in front of my computer screen knowing he is in Heaven talking the angel's ears off.

It is with great pride and pain in my heart that I award my father's theoretical blog posthumously with a Pulitzer for what would have been masterful bullshit.

American Protesters are Pussies!

Those protesters in Wisconsin have nothing on the people in Egypt or Libya.  America needs to step up its public demonstration game.  To use a celebrity analogy, we are the Lindsay Lohan to their Charlie Sheen.  Where is our coke and hooker fueled rage?


We are sticks in the mud.  We are vanilla.  We are white picked fences and borrowing sugar from a neighbor.  They are running around the city square in Adidas pants and soccer jersey "uniforms", throwing rocks at police and blowing shit up.  When is the last time your child was atop a tank?




Our protests consist of orderly fashion, police barricades and sitting down. We have shoeless hippies lounging around hoping for change.    Our placards might as well say "pretty please" on them.  With a cherry on top?

 Their protests kill people! It involves rebel forces, militias, and cities being overrun.  I want some of that (not the killing part).  But let's have some fun with this.  I mean, we have a few shitty cities to spare.  I found this video as an example of what happens over there even though I think it was only to celebrate the grand opening of a Pinkberry.


The new trend in America is the group of protesters touring the country like a bunch of deadheads going from one military funeral to another.  But still, no fire hoses, no police dogs, no smoke bombs, nothing.  It's just a bunch of assholes disrespecting the deceased.


If the squeaky wheel gets the grease why haven't we turned to violence? Let's put the government back onto their heels.  There isn't fight or flight because these pussies do not pose a threat.

We need to have more gooder language.

Not for nuthin' but its about time for America to have more gooder language skills.  The government and education systems aint been stressing the importance of following it's guidelines.

We are way more dumber then other countries.  Than, when we compare state to state we can also see huge friggin' differences.  I'm just saying that when you get down to it, we have more inane speech hear then other industrial countries to.  The majority of our language is taken up by "fillers" like, "at the end of the day" or "whatever."

I seen alot of bad grammar all over the tv's and website's.  Since the internet became mainstream, proper speech has reduced to abbreviations and "text type."  I'm like, OMG, where did this all come from?  Parents aren't stressing the importance of education to there children.  Their not checking on homework and they're are alot of parents who dont monitor there children on the internet.

It makes me LOL when I listen to a moron whose glorified on the television for debauchery, womanizing, loose morals, etc.  It be time we no longer be swept, or is it sweeped, away in making life easier.  We should take pride in speaking, writing and living properly.


NOTE:  Author isn't actually this stupid, but simply demonstrating a point.


Schools no longer teach phonetics, grammar or emphasize spelling.  Correction, they no longer focus directly on these subjects, but instead, use context hoping children grasp the concepts.  "Whole language" along with parental apathy, increases in class size and the general "I need it now" attitude toward life are all causing a downgrading of standards.

Texting, instant messaging and the Internet in general have abbreviated the English language.  My third grade teacher would roll in her grave, assuming she's dead, if she ever saw me use contractions, abbreviations or not write in cursive.

I witnessed a classmate in a graduate course utilize "gonna" during his final presentation without anyone else noticing or blinking an eye at it.  In the first part of this blog I overtly placed a generalization of the mistakes, idiotic cliches and pet peeves to demonstrate the downward trending of common English.  I apologize to your teachers and have endless amounts for pity if you didn't notice them.

As a former Spanish teacher, I used English as a grammatical reference.  Too often, I was stunned to discover students who were unable to identify parts of speech.  These are verbs, nouns, adjectives, etc for those of you who can't.

The people I am directing this blog at are the same who need to buy a vowel on "Wheel of Fortune" before they solve the puzzle.  Are you fucking kidding me??? Only vowels are left!  You just paid to prove to the audience that you're an idiot.

At the end of it all, I'm just gonna say, "whatever." TTYL